Lost, helpless is what she felt right now. there isn’t much that she could do either than just be a listener and try to be a good adviser that doesn’t screw things up.
she knew how her loved ones felt at that very moment, but all she could do is just hear. she wanted to hug her so badly that it aches for the fact that her loved ones is too far to be reach. she wanted to cuddle her loved ones in her arm and tell them that everything would be okay once it’s over, but she herself knows that it isn’t as easy to do, as it is simple to be said. it’s always words are easier to be mention than action.
she needs her own listener now, the one where she could pour all out to the trustworthy one. she wanted to find back the previous listener who almost knows all the inches and diameters of her dark secret. but yet she doesn’t felt like finding her listener this time. because she felt bad for always pouring her unhappiness, sadness, frustration and let her listener hear her crying again. she doesn’t want to felt that way again. plus, she was afraid that she might fall for her listener again. and that’s scary. she herself knows that shouldn’t happen, but she just couldn’t prevent it. thus she’s trying real hard to avoid much contact. but it hurts alot too.
she also doesn’t wants to bug her best friends. she still can’t open all up for them. there are still some dark secret that she was afraid they might look at her at a different angle and view once spill out. there were once her best friend said that she always look happy outside but deep inside they don’t know actually what is she thinking. it nearly struck her that she felt she was wearing a mask all the time. was she really smiling from her heart or just a way to please her friends. she felt very lost that very moment. but then again, she decided to shrug it out and act as thou those words never heard by her ears.
she knows her family loves her alot too. but sometimes she felt she’s too greedy that she wanted more. she wanted those times where her parent wouldn’t stay at their own comfort zone or maybe try to add her into their comfort zone. she needs to felt wanted. and not everyday after dusk they’ll hide back into their own compound and she’s left in the home all alone. the adolescent hardly at home too, her adolescent is always outside, she doesn’t know what is her adolescent thinking. was her adolescent happy, sad or same as me? she never had to courage to ask her adolescent. she was afraid of the answer thou good or bad. she’s very honest with her family but there was something that happen long time ago that she never told her family and she felt very guilty because of it. but sometimes something weren’t meant to be told to family. guess that’s what being an pre-adult felt like.
right now all she wants to do is just go to bed, and a good cry and sleep till like nobody’s business. then back to life again.
she wants to have her own compound where there is blue sky, white cloud, crystal clear sea and fine sand. she really needs her relaxation. but yet she knows she is much more luckier than most of the people out there. at least there’s a roof to cover herself when it’s cold, hot, raining outside, enough supply of food at home, her parents are still with her, friends that love her, strangers that actually help her out once in awhile, people that she never met before who actually care for her feelings, a opportunity to study, went to foreign places before, not living in a war zone, not disable, outer beauty all had, inner beauty she herself consider okay, and many more. as what she think at least she’s more lucky than 35% people in the world.
thus, she always decided to be more optimistic and see it further ahead. past is history, future is mystery and today is a god’s gift to her.