Have you ever wonder?

Lavender of the day : I’m emo-ing


What happen when all you ever wanted was to be with it but it doesn’t even know about that.

Life is miserable when the one you loved doesn’t love you, but it is more torturing if the one you loved doesn’t even be bothered to show care towards you when you’re together.

No, I’m not attached. I’m still single, not available and NOT desperate!!

I’m not those teenagers that need a boyfriend for them to hug, cuddle and be their bank. (It’s true, Kay!) No doubt, I used to always hallucinate in my own dreamland that I’ll have a very loyal, caring, responsible, tall and rich boyfriend. (That’s what all girls wan, okay) That Dream Guy will pamper me with chocolate, stuffed dolls and many surprises! He will show respect towards me and my family, take me to the places that I really wanted to go, share the same bed as me. Then again, it was only my illusion when I’m still a teenager. Guess as I grow older, the boyfriend term starts to decrease even more. I don’t need a loyal, caring , tall or even responsible boyfriend. I just need one who will take me for who I am.

Sometimes come to think of it. I wasn’t even sure if I’ve really been in a 100% relationship which will go thru all those ups and downs, do all those thing couple will do, share the same thought, and even kissed. That’s why sometimes when people ask me ‘Hey, have you ever REALLY been in love?’ I kind of paused for awhile. No doubt, I’m been in love before but REALLY been in love with all those REALLY routine is still some sort of puzzle for me. I’ve cried for the one I love, been played by the one I love,  attempt suicide for the one I love, scolded by the one I love, treated unfaithful by the one I love; But I just bloody don’t get the lessons, no matter how deep I fall into, how hurt it felt being ditched.  I know I should check properly the background, attitude, driving skills (which got no common point) and how he treats people before really bungee jump into that person.

Relationship is always karma for me! Relationship between family, friends, strangers, pets and even kids was never a problem for me. When it comes to love relationship I always strike the….wrong number!

After awhile I tend to notice that every time I fall for a person it was during the times when I’m in my emo-ing mode or sad mode. That’s the time when I’m most vulnerable. It’s because when I’m in my emo-ing mode, I really need a shoulder to hang on to which kind of leads to getting a person to give me extra protection. That also will be the time where I’ll be very depended on him/her!

After awhile, I start to keep all my emotions to me. I don’t want to give any chances for my heart to beat fasters for another someone. Each time it beat fasters, after that it’ll felt like it stop pumping already. I’m starting to be a introvert which is not a good sign.

I don’t even felt like want to get out of my house. I rather be a coach potato than every time after I reach back home I’ll felt the sense of alone.

Provence is emo-ing again…. So do stay away for time being.


About Ivy

Super contemplation of losing those extra fats
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